Musing on Sydney's news
23 June 2003
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
For those who don't understand the above picture, let me spell it out for you.
Its point is, life can be hell for people who are different to the norm in some
way, especially at school.
Here are the facts of this sad tale. An 18 year old American boy was found with a cache of weapons and arrested the other day. He was reportedly planning a mass-murder at his school a la Columbine.
Apparently his 15 year old kid brother has a cleft palate and was regularly teased by schoolmates because of his speech impediment. The 18 year old had kept a dossier of all the kids who had teased him over the years. Clearly, he had a lot of pent up anger.
I suppose a lot of people will be tut-tutting over their tabloids, carping about what a monster this boy is and how he is a menace to society that should be locked away to protect us all. But kids aren't monsters. In their natural state kids are jolly, curious, funny, charming, and generally loveable - unless something happens to screw them up. They aren't born monsters, they're transformed into monsters by maltreatment of some sort during their formative years.
Rather than wonder who will protect us from these dangerous creatures I'd rather ask this: who's going to protect the kids who are in any way different to the norm from harassment? It seems pretty obvious that no-one was trying too hard to protect the 18 year old's kid brother with the speech impediment. No wonder his elder brother was so full of rage.
Of course, most kids who are bullied at school don't resort to schemes of mass murder. But, rest assured, at some stage it's no doubt crossed the minds of many of them. Thankfully, their awareness of social standards keeps them in the square. Or, more often, the anger, frustration, bitterness and heart-brokenness is turned on themselves.
How often have you heard people decry teenage suicide? "But s/he seemed so happy and well adjusted," they complain in confusion. "Why would s/he do such a thing?". I think we know the answer better than we care to admit because it pushes our buttons.
I'd wager that nine times out of ten it's because the suicidal kids were different in some way and were copping hell for their "crime" of difference by their norming-obsessed schoolmates.
The trouble is, we live in a norming-obsessed societies. Not just Australia, but just about everywhere. It's basic human instinct. Just about everyone knows we are essentially social animals, and part of being a social animal is to have shared group values. Norms. In early life, the instinct is there, but with lack of life experience we focus on superficial aspects. (Sometimes we still judge people by superficialities after we've grown up ... Peter Jenson ... ahem).
The teen years are a stage of life where you start to see yourself and others in the context of society - the school society. When you're a teenager, how you look and speak are of paramount importance, and if you don't reside in the right part of the bell curve then you can cop merry hell. No wonder kids start to wonder if their lives are worth living. No wonder some decide that their tormentors' lives aren't worth living, which is probably a more rational train of thought, come to think of it.
Kids with deformities, like a cleft palate, are prime targets. As are those with disabilities. As are those of the "wrong" nationality, depending on the main racial mixes at the school. Or the wrong religion. Or the wrong sexuality. Or if they're not masculine or feminine enough. Or they wear the wrong clothes. Or their parents have the wrong job or look funny right in some way. Overweight kids are often discriminated against mercilessly, and that goes for overweight adults too, for that matter. Kids with funny voices or odd laughter are shunned. Red haired and curly haired kids sometime cop it. Some are harassed for being too nerdy. Or too dumb. Too talkative. Too shy. Too "frigid". Too much of a "slut". Maybe they're hopeless at sport. Or they have bad acne. The list is almost endless.
In short, if you are in the wrong zone of the Bell Curve in countless different ways, you're in the firing line.
These children need protection. For their sakes, for the sake of other kids, and for the sake of society in the future.
I'm not suggesting that they should be wrapped in cotton wool and not be given the chance to grow, but there needs to be some way of keeping children's (and adults') behaviour a bit more civil. Within reasonable bounds. A little chiacking and teasing is natural. Daily torment is not. It's just downright damaging.
For a start, our schools must work to foster a collective caring culture. If they ensured that the fostering of civility and personal dignity were given a higher priority than sport, our schools would be far safer places for our children. Some schools get this right. Most don't.
Of course our understaffed schools, run by stressed, neurotic teachers can't be expected to shadow children around the playgrounds or on the school bus to ensure that no bullying takes place. They can't be everywhere at once. So there has to be a clearly defined culture, strongly impressed on all by the Principal. In fact, principals should be compelled to foster a mutually respectful school culture and make it THE top priority. It should be written into their contracts.
It's no achievement to have some students playing representative sport or achieving top marks if others are being destroyed.
In the end, a person's character matters more than their mental or physical prowess. Forget using religion in schools to provide an example. That can, as is, be skewed to suit any old sick agenda. There should be a clear focus on respect - including respect for each child's differences.
However, in the end parents must take primary responsibility.
Do you teach your children non-discriminatory values? You you correct your child if he or she, for instance, runs down another child for their skin colour or nationality? Do you, yourself, point out, and laugh at, "funny looking people"? Do you run down people of certain nationalities or sexualities yourself? And say it openly in from of your child?
If so, you are culpable.
If you don't work to ensure your child is non discriminatory, you are the one who effectively pulls the trigger when a child shoots or stabs other kids in their school. Your child can become an instrument of your prejudice and may be contributing to a future murder by driving one of their peers to the brink.
Of course the media - especially television - has to take the blame as well. Too often they present "different" people in sensationalist ways, virtually encouraging the public to feel hostile towards them. That problem is too big to tackle. But we can, at least, made a difference at an individual level, and counter the effects of the media when it tries to demonise certain groups.
The good news is that if you're a parent or a teacher, you can start making things better today.
Try this link if you would like to see websites dealing with school bullying.
This site and all material on it is copyright © Grea Korting 2003